I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
