listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
