we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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