I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
