Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
no more duck duck goose at the bar
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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