you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
my poor anus
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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