I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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