I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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