Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
