He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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