he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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