Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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