i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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