if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
