she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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