I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
