my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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