so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
