I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
