im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
