nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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