I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
