Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
it hurts more in the daytime
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Boobs speak an international language.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
