do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
