I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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