You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
