I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
