Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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