Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
