we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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