If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Duck Duck Cougar?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
