I'm so fucking centered right now
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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