Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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