Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
