Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize