Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
