I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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