My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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