im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"