mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend