The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
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I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
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Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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