I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Sorry my hands just texted you
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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