tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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