Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
