I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
