her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
