im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
