I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
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We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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