how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
