Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
