We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
