Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
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I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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