i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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