come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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