When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Randomize
