Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
