Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
