Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
