Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
