There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
