everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
