Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
