I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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