Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i believe in u and ur pee
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