Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
